Learning to Play Again

March 6, 2025

For a long time, I didn't realize I had lost something.

Growing up in an orphanage, where every moment is scheduled and every action is scrutinized, you learn to live by expectations rather than desires. As a child, I didn't get to make many choices. I was told what to wear, what to eat, when to sleep, and what activities to participate in—whether I liked them or not.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder: Did I ever truly experience childhood the way I was supposed to? Was there ever a moment when I could just be, without worrying about whether I was doing something right or wrong?

I performed for the orphanage almost every single year

It seemed like I was always the center of attention and yet invisible for most of the time

Now, as an adult, I find myself craving that lost sense of play. But it’s not always easy. At some point, I became so used to structure and obligation that the idea of doing something just because feels out of place. Sometimes, I sit with my hobbies—vintage photography, crafting, reading—and realize I struggle to fully enjoy them without an inner voice whispering that I should be doing something more "productive", or I should complete more tasks in that one hour. That’s the voice of the past, the one that always told me I had to follow the rules.

But I am not that child anymore. I have the power to rewrite my story.

So I’ve started small. I buy stickers just because they make me happy. I drink tea from fancy cups, even if there’s no special occasion. I let myself take pictures of things that I find beautiful, not just what looks good for Instagram. I create things—miniatures, crafts, little projects—without worrying whether they’re “useful” or “good enough.” And slowly, bit by bit, I’m teaching myself to play again.

Someone once told me : "The time required for a child to recover from a negative environment is directly proportional to the duration of exposure to that environment."

For example, if a child spent 8 years in a negative or harmful situation, it may take them 8 years to recover, depending on the support and care they receive after leaving that environment..

I've lived in the US for as long as I stayed in the orphanage. I continue to face challenges with mental illness, but I've come to understand that it's okay. I've realized that without my past, I wouldn't be here today with my husband and my families. Even though I struggled with bitterness for a long time towards my past, my biological mother, and all I experienced, I am thankful for where I have ended up.

Nurturing your inner child is all about embracing playfulness, curiosity, and creativity while giving yourself the love and care you needed when you were younger. I wanted to share some thing I do to help myself with that part in my life:

1. I do Arts & Crafts – I enjoy making vintage-style paper crafts, stickers, or DIY projects with my Cricut.

   
   

2. I enjoy taking vintage photos for fun—capturing moments without any pressure, much like a child playing with a camera. There's no one to hurry me or criticize my technique, making it a liberating and enjoyable activity. I love photography for many reasons, but the most important is that it grants me the freedom of imagination, allowing me to bring visions to life. When my anxiety is high, it helps slow down time and lets me concentrate solely on the present, rather than balancing a hundred thoughts at once.

   
   

3. Playing with miniatures. Recently I've been building miniatures, I reused old clocks and created something beautiful. Sometimes when I feel that time is going by too fast, I would engage in building something to slow down time, I compare this activity to reading a book, instead I get to create my own scenery and add my own pieces.

   
   

4. I love playing with Tucker. I noticed that the best way to heal, it to take care of someone or something else. I love taking care of my family and nurturing my pets. I could write a whole paragraph on my time with Tucker, but I'll probably start crying, so I'll have to do that a different time.

   
   

5. I'm not sure if you all find comfort in movies or shows, but I've recently realized that I enjoy watching a movie now and then that inspires daydreaming or sparks new ideas. Allowing myself to do that I a big deal to me, it reminds me that I don't have to ask permission, I can just to whatever I want to. Yes, I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm an adult now, occasionally I keep applying the rules from the past to avoid getting punished or being yelled at.

   
   

6. Creating a safe space. When I moved to the US, my parents gave me my own room. After living for years with the same roommates in a shared bedroom, it felt surreal to have a room of my own. I would often spend a lot of time in it when I felt down, sad, upset, or extremely angry. I had the freedom to decorate it and add pieces that made me happy. My parents were very encouraging of my interests and hobbies and made sure I had everything I needed for my safe space. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Now, I have my own house with my husband. I have so many ideas of how I want to decorate it and make it our home, our creative space, our safe haven from the stressors of everyday life. I love shopping for vintage pieces that highlight my identity and emphasize my husband's and my hobbies.

   I find myself frequently exploring online shopping platforms such as Pinterest, Facebook Marketplace, and Amazon. There's a certain joy that comes from it, and I believe that indulging in these little treasures can be quite therapeutic. If you have done it before, you know what I'm talking about. It's even better when you get to listen to your favorite music with a cup of hot coffee next to you.

At the end of the day, nurturing your inner child isn’t about being childish—it’s about giving yourself permission to find joy in the little things, to create without judgment, and to embrace the things that make your heart feel light.

My moms childhood toys

My moms treasure box, I found it quite fascinating.

I know life can get busy, and sometimes we forget to slow down and do something just for fun. But if you’ve ever felt that pull toward something nostalgic—a childhood hobby, a favorite book, or even just the simple joy of stickers—take it as a sign. Your inner child is still there, waiting for you to play.

I’d love to hear from you! What’s something that makes your inner child light up? Have you done anything lately just because it made you happy? Send me a message or drop a comment—I’d love to share this journey with you. Let’s bring a little more playfulness back into our lives, together.

Till next time,

Anastasia